Sunday, April 13, 2008

Friday, April 4, 2008


A young Lisa Simpson cried and cried when her beloved first cat Snowball died. Homer and Marge tried to fool her by replacing the deceased feline with an identical one (thankfully, it was alive), but Snowball II could never fill the void left in Lisa's heart. Like most cats, Snowball enjoyed playing with yarn, petting, and coughing up large chunks of her own fur. While cause of death is unknown, foul play has been strongly ruled out.

Snowball II is the scrappier, livelier replacement for the Simpson family's first cat (may she rest in peace). Snowball II has been known to dance upon a ball and perform minor tricks, almost never within the sights of any family member. She has a comfortably familiar relationship with Santa's Little Helper, the Simpsons' pet greyhound. So comfortable, in fact, that the two of them have been known to cuddle and pet one another when no one is watching. Like her namesake, Snowball II enjoys yarn, petting sessions and, as ever, coughing up large chunks of her own fur.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Santa's Little Helper

Santa's Little Helper may not have been lucky for Homer Simpson at the racetrack one Christmas Eve, but he sure has turned out to be one fortunate dog. Loved and doted on by his owner, Bart Simpson, Santa's Little Helper enjoys the sort of life that most dogs can only dream about: He belongs to a tolerant family who let him tear up the furniture and eat from the table, he enjoyed a brief but fruitful relationship with a lovely greyhound (together they had 25 puppies, all of whom escaped being killed by Mr. Burns) and he earned a degree from one of Springfield's most prestigious canine academies. Of course, life hasn't been all milkbones for Santa's Little Helper: His legs were broken by Mr. Burns, he was abandoned by the Simpson family for Laddie, a better-bred dog Bart bought from a catalog, and he was forced to eat several pounds of fried bacon when Homer briefly flirted with a career in grease harnessing. Santa's Little Helper enjoys long walks with Bart, burying things in the backyard and begging for food.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Selma Bouvier

The only thing Selma Bouvier hates more than her brother-in-law, Homer Simpson, is being single. She has been married twice and, as luck would have it, divorced twice as well. First, she married Sideshow Bob shortly after he served his prison term for framing Krusty the Clown. The marriage ended amicably after Bob tried to blow Selma up during their honeymoon. Her second marriage was to Troy McClure, whom you might remember from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall. She married Troy in order to restore his reputation after a scandal involving underage fish nearly ended the thespian's career. Their marriage ended after Selma and Troy realized they neither loved nor felt particularly attracted to one another. For now, Selma's most enduring relationship is with Jub Jub, her pet iguana.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Grampa Simpson

Not many people know that Abe Simpson is a highly decorated veteran of the Second World War. Even fewer people know that he is the inventor of the toilet and the man who made cats and dogs hate one another. No one knows these things about Abe because no one listens to him. In fact, they usually leave the room when he starts to speak. Father of Homer Simpson, grandfather of Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, Abe, aka Grampa, lives in the Springfield Retirement Castle where he enjoys soft foods and company of his friends. Abe was lucky enough to briefly find success in his retirement as a writer for the award-winning Itchy & Scratchy cartoon series. That career came to an end when he publicly scolded the entire cartoon industry at an awards show. He has won no awards since then.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Patty Bouvier

Patty Bouvier resents the suggestion that her life is empty and boring. First, she has her sisters Selma and Marge, but foremost, she has Richard Dean Anderson, aka MacGyver. She passes her days as a clerk at the Springfield Department of Motor Vehicles, administering eye exams and approving people for driver's licenses. She spends her nights at home, watching MacGyver and smoking cigarettes. Many, many cigarettes. Patty prides herself on being less desperate than her twin sister, Selma, who has been married and divorced twice.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Maggie Simpson

Maggie Simpson has done a lot in her one year of life. She's learned to spell her own name with an Etch A Sketch, she's wandered the town of Springfield all by herself, and she's shot Springfield's richest man because he attempted to steal her lollipop. Eventually, she'd like to learn how to speak and walk without falling down.